Restless Nights

I have been off my meds for anxiety for quite awhile now, several months.  And... I have been doing great, taking deep breaths, controlling myself, not freaking out over little things, living great with no built-up pressure on my chest, pressing till I can't breathe, - haven't had any of those symptoms.

However, for some reason, must be tied-up worry that is knotted up inside my head or something, I keep waking up in the middle of the night, like several times.  I glance at the clock and see various times blinking at me from the red digits on the alarm clock and I feel a little rush like a thought of the day or something I have to do.

Maybe, my mom's surgery which is coming up really soon, hopefully next week if all goes well with the doctors in Houston.  I have had mixed feelings about this, during the day I am not worried, the tension is not there, but for some reason, at night, in the middle of the night, I awake with fright and tension and full of sweat like I have been running a marathon.  Who knows?  Then I dream of other things like my brother's divorce and seeing his soon-to-be-ex wife. I think of how lonely my big bro is, and I pray for happiness for him. I also dreamed I was pregnant and gave birth to twins - a baby boy wrapped in a soft blue blanket and a baby girl in a plush pink blanket.  That was the sweetest dream since I do want to mother children, and we have been trying, despite the female problems which say I cannot get pregnant.

The other night I had the strangest dream that I saw one of my uncles who has already passed away, and it really gripped me, like so tight, I have not spoken these words.  It gripped me right to the core, choking me, cutting off air.  It was comforting to see my uncle; he was one of my favorites, and I do miss him dearly, but... I remember dreaming him, and people dying soon later.  Like he comes to take them to Heaven or something, so of course it had me worried about my dad who has been working a lot of extra over-time hours, and my mom who is about to have kidney surgery.  I just keep praying though that our lives are in God's hands and may all we do - be for his glory and according to his will.

Still at night, all the anxiety and fears attack me full-force.  I honestly feel like drinking wine or a wine cooler at night just to relax me and put me in a drunken mood so I sleep well, since that has worked before.  But... then I don't want to wake up with a dreaded head-ache and have to go teach.  I try to keep my blog positive, but sometimes I just need to pour out a little bit and release a little.  So I can breathe a little easier.